In tango, women change. It is difficult to describe, how. I have never been a woman, but by virtue of my profession I know very well how they are arranged inside. In brief: incomprehensibly. I have only my observations and little experience as a follower. But I will try.

Have you ever replanted a flower? From a small cramped pot to a spacious one, with good soil? At first the flower is frightened, it weakens. Give it water, light. A lot of attention. It loves attention. Then it takes root, grows stronger. Tell it how happy you are with each new leaflet. Admire it. The time will come, and it will blossom.

What is this metaphor for? Now I will say a heretical thing. You were told to “love yourself”, “find support within yourself.” Good advice as much as advice can be good, but it’s not so.

You cannot be or become beautiful if you have not been seen, reflected, as beautiful. You cannot love yourself unless others have loved you. You cannot “lean on yourself” if others have not helped to create this inner support. You need the “loving eyes”. Without them, it is impossible to root, grow stronger and blossom.

In tango, in the first months of training, you will get an unusual amount of attention, admiration and respect. Just as a woman, in advance. From teachers, leaders in your group. From the tango itself. It is so anatomically arranged: it is about respect for a woman, about how to give her pleasure. All choreography, music, tango philosophy are about this.

This is the first gift of tango. Those very loving eyes that will allow you to love yourself over time and find support in yourself.

***

With time, it becomes more difficult. Tango childhood with its advance of admiration will once come to the end. In the outside world, outside your school, they will dance with you only if they want to. No one is obligated. The freedom not to dance with whom you do not want is sacred. Given the gender imbalance and competition with more experienced partners – they will not.

Frustration, ignoring, rejection. You’ll go through all of them.

This is the second gift of tango. Not everyone can take it.

***

If you continue to dance, you will give yourself a chance to learn a lot from tango. It is so arranged: in order not to learn, you need strong resistance.

Everyone learns something of his own, takes what he needs.

Stand on your own feet. Trust the partner, but even more – the parquet.

The boundaries. Not the paranoid-militaristic ones so much was written about. Those do not exist. I mean the boundaries that allow you to feel your partner and yourself subtly, to be completely with him, but not to dissolve.

Develop a built-in default female ability to follow a man. Not obediently, but actively, creatively, with energy and own intention. Sometimes, demandingly. Sometimes do not follow.

Listen to music through a man. And learn how to express to your partner how you hear it.

Learn contact in which you both express yourself and support the self-expression of the other. That is what I would like to do in actual life.

Adulthood and femininity – the third gift of tango.

c)
Igor Zabuta, izabuta.com; 
Emma Kologrivova, kologrivova.com;
dancing psychotherapists

P.S. The original text is in Russian. Please contact us if you can improve this translation.

More tango essays in Russian: tango-therapy.com.ua/wp/